In a recent consultation session with a school manager, I used an analogy that came to me at the time, and I am going to re-use it in this blog. She was upset about lack of development of a teacher she had employed. In the recruitment process, this teacher stood out as better prepared than all the other candidates. She felt it was an easy choice in the recruitment process but now feels the teacher has failed to live up to the high expectations she had had of them. There was some conflict between them, and I was ‘hired’ to deal with the conflict, and also to help with a professional development path for the teacher. The conversation felt like it was going nowhere. So, I changed the subject. Here is a summary of that conversation.

I asked if she (the manager) was married (I know she is). She said yes, and then I asked if she ever felt her husband did things intentionally to annoy her. She said yes. I asked if she was sure or if it was just perceived as such. She said perhaps a combination of both. Perhaps also he has habits that she finds annoying, but they love each other with their flaws. I asked if she thought the feeling was mutual (she annoyed her husband, he accepts it, and they love each other) and she said yes. I asked her even if she was trying to be malicious towards her husband, if she would ever do something to harm or negatively impact her children, and she said absolutely never. I then asked her what she thought the difference was between dating and being married. And her answer is what led to this blog.

She said, ‘When you are dating, it’s like you are doing two things. Shopping around, and spending time with people where the focus is on what you can get out of the relationship. But when you get married, it shifts to being really important to think about the other person and what you can put into the relationship. And actually, at some point dating kind of becomes like that before you get married to.’

I replied to this with many of the points in this blog, but the short version of my answer was ‘Then stop dating the teacher and get married already. You said they were best prepared for the interview. They seem to have shown commitment. They do nothing to harm or negatively impact your students (children), so you are basically married already. You annoy each other or at least you are perceiving it as such. You even have a contract. All you need to do now is change the actual dynamic from dating to marriage.’

A quick point, I realise that this might be perceived as a very narrow view of marriage. Please read this with the analogy in mind rather than a lesson on marriage.

 

 

Finding fulfilment

 

The more education becomes profit driven; the more teachers are seen as a source of income rather than as the providers of a service. Schools often operate like businesses rather than as centres of learning, and for many teachers, this can be difficult to swallow. It becomes a marriage of convenience, rather than a marriage where both parties are actively trying to build a relationship, an environment in which both could flourish and develop, and a ‘household’ of mutual respect despite obvious shortcomings of the other. An environment in which your objective is to support the shortcomings of your partner rather than view them as a ‘dealbreaker.’

It can be very difficult as a teacher to operate in an environment where you are just seen as another cog in the big machine of education. There is ‘teach to the test’ or you have to use this course book, or you have to have a development plan, or an increase in admin duties and the list goes on and on. Everything to make sure success and efficiency can be quantifiably measured. And that can completely remove the drive to find fulfilment in your job. It is within this search for fulfilment that I think the marriage analogy holds quite well.

You find more fulfilment when you serve others than if you try to get others to serve you. One gives you fulfilment and a sense of purpose, the other, just power and control. And relationships build on power and control could last, but there is often consistent tension. Similarly, through the majority of articles I read when reading about relationships with the purpose of writing this blog, the most successful ones are built on being in service to the other or service to the relationship, despite varying power dynamics in play across different cultures and relationships. The relationship between the teacher and the manager, or the teacher and the school should be one of service to the relationship and each other, because that seems to be the only way for both or all parties to find fulfilment in the relationship.

 

 

 

So what does this actually look like for teachers?

 

Before you read the first two points and stop reading because you feel your school will never allow this, please read to the end of the next section.

Reclaim the narrative: Actively take part in discussions about students and the curriculum, but not with the purpose of making your own life easier. Frame this around the students. And when you do, you might notice two things. One, your own opinion might change in terms of what is best for the students. Two, you might be much better perceived. Will it lead to change? No, or maybe, but it moves the dynamic from a recipient of decisions to someone contributing to the relationship.

Focus on the important things: Revisit the reason you decided to become a teacher. Rekindle that passion if it is gone. And I think something that is almost universally true for teachers, put your students first. Your qualifications, the materials, the resources, all of these things are important. But your students should also be at the centre of what you do.

Innovation and community: Find innovative ways to connect with students and engage them. When I was younger, family time meant a barbecue or watching TV. Maybe a game of chess. Now that I have my own children, it might mean a movie on TV that we stream, or a board game (chess is still a favourite), but we have adapted as needed. You should do the same with teaching.

And find a community. Just like married couples have a group of friends that they chat to, or meet for coffee or drinks, or play golf with, or have a book club, do the same as a teacher. And that could be as simple as playing golf, or having coffee, or having a book club with other teachers.

Self-care: Lots have been written about mental health. Teachers cannot work optimally if they are not taking care of themselves, just like you cannot contribute to a relationship if you are not taking care of yourself too.

 

And the management side?’

I think the power dynamic present in many educational institutions means the relationship can easily become warped. But again, that is not much different from marriage. Society and societal norms mean this is true in marriage as well. If you are in the power position, stand up for your partner. And most importantly, read the previous part of this blog and make sure your teachers have all the tools to do what is suggested there. Give them a voice, allow them to rekindle the love, allow them to have outside interests and encourage communities, and most importantly, allow the space for self-care.

I cannot think of any teacher I know that will intentionally do a bad job. What they need is the support to do what they need to do. And they will make mistakes. And they might deny those mistakes. But just like we practice forgiveness and guidance in our relationships, we should do so in our work relationships too. They chose you. You chose them. Make it work.

 

 

 

Looking forward

So, what does this have to do with value vs valued? If you want to maximise the value of teachers or of you as a teacher, the thing that needs to be valued most is the relationship. People often refer to the divorce rate when they speak about marriage troubles, and depending on the country, it is often more than 50%. But what is missed or ignored, is that people who get divorced once, are more likely to divorce again. For first marriages, the success rate is 60% and sometimes higher than that. The odds are with you. Not against you. But you have to put in the work. So, as a teacher, are you the marriage type? But more importantly, as a manager or organisation, are you the marriage type? Or are you just dating looking for the next replacement?